I haven't posted anything for a long time now. To those of you that follow my posts, I apologize. Things have not been good for me lately. I have new tumors in my chest, two that I can feel on my sternum, one of which has been radiated for the last week, and one more week to go. I would not have radiation to it except that it hurts me and is very visible when you look at me, it's at the base of my throat, I was starting to feel like it might cut off my airway but the doctor who is doing the radiation says it will not grow in that direction, thank God. Scans will be a couple of weeks early this time, wondering if the chemo is working.
There have been some really bad experiences the last few weeks that have kept me very busy, and our internet has not been great either. Severe pain in my right leg has kept me from doing much. So, I went to see a pain mgt. doc. which turned into two trips to j-town and four hours of filling out paperwork and the doc. never touched me. I still have pain, but I am managing it myself and I went to see another doc. who came highly recommended, and that just worked me into a frenzy. Turned out I was expecting a shot to kill just the pain in my leg, and she started preparing me for my last days on this earth, she was going to "keep me comfortable" until the end. I got put on the wrong schedule. Now that I have cleared everything up w/my oncologist and my nurses, it's kind of funny I guess. This woman actually asked me if I knew how much time I have left? Had anyone told me? Well, no, do you know how much time you have left? Has anyone told you?
Only God himself knows how much time I have left. Right? If you know please call me, but be warned, other people thought they knew, and I am still here. God has made a fool out of at least me. Dear God, I hope no-one else knows but you and I do not want you to tell me.
God did me a favor today. He performed a small miracle when he gave my son his puppy back. Maverick had run away and could not find his way home, some nice people took him in for the night and we found him at their home this morning. Thank you, God and the people that watched over him.
Onto something else. My parents are going away on a cruise for a few days w/my mother's siblings. I think it's nice how they make time to do things together and make it a point to stay close. I hope they have a nice time together. There are thingsthat I will never understand when it comes to siblings, all of them, I am not speaking of anyone in particular. Some are close and could not be separated no matter what, and others, if they didn't look alike, you would never know they were related, they are so different, and the slightest thing pulls them apart. Just watch Dr. Phil. The other day a woman was on there with her 3 daughters, twins that were 15 and bi-sexual, which is a question in itself and an older sibling, 16, who had stabbed he mother in the heart. Yes, Dr. Phil, not Jerry Springer. Those girls would die for one another but would kill their mother in a heartbeat. Are you kidding me? When you hear their story, you start to understand. Their mother screwed them up, and they knew it.
I have a mother that I rarely got along with. She knows what buttons to push. But, I tell her everything, and to this day, I can call her and she will be there for me. Some people do not understand my relationship w/her, hell, I don't get it sometimes, but they don't need to understand it, I love my mother. Maybe a little differently than most, but I love her. I cannot understand the life that she has led, and she probably doesn't understand why I do certain things that I do, but I still love her and all that crap is just that...crap. Unconditional love? I have found that I was right, it only exists between a mother and her children. If big or little things can break up your relationship w/someone, there is not unconditional love. You can love someone but if they don't love you back, it's wasted time and effort on your part. I refuse to waste any more of my time and effort, how about you?
That crazy doctor I was telling you about earlier, she put me on a medication that did what I needed it to do but one of the side effects was that my eyes and face were swollen, not good. It has to be that medicine, it and the radiation have been the only thing that has been different. So, I will be going off of that medicine. So what if I have no energy, at least I look human. Well, if I am wearing a wig anyway. Lately, the only place I spend any time is in my room. I am concerned about depression but I don't know how to stop it if it happens, and will I know? Seriously, if you looked at my life from an outsider's point of view, it would be hard not to think "why hasn't she jumped off a bridge yet?" Seriously, I have stage iv cancer, I am alone all of the time, the only family member I see is my mom, and my outing for the week is chemo. And my mom comes over to take me to that, and that is why I see my mom, cause she drives me.
4/1/2012
Well, we were told this past Thursday that I start radiation on a tumor pressing on my brain on Monday. After that I was told that I may have between 2 to 4 months left to live. I had taken a fall on Tuesday morning, broke my shoulder and sprained my ankle. So this is how I get to spend what time I have left. Somehow, I am taking these kids on vacation after my radiation stops the swelling in certain parts in my body. Anyone who loves me or the kids should know what's going on. I hope everyone understands why things have been so slow going.
love to all, you can reach me on facebook.
