I haven't posted anything for a long time now. To those of you that follow my posts, I apologize. Things have not been good for me lately. I have new tumors in my chest, two that I can feel on my sternum, one of which has been radiated for the last week, and one more week to go. I would not have radiation to it except that it hurts me and is very visible when you look at me, it's at the base of my throat, I was starting to feel like it might cut off my airway but the doctor who is doing the radiation says it will not grow in that direction, thank God. Scans will be a couple of weeks early this time, wondering if the chemo is working.
There have been some really bad experiences the last few weeks that have kept me very busy, and our internet has not been great either. Severe pain in my right leg has kept me from doing much. So, I went to see a pain mgt. doc. which turned into two trips to j-town and four hours of filling out paperwork and the doc. never touched me. I still have pain, but I am managing it myself and I went to see another doc. who came highly recommended, and that just worked me into a frenzy. Turned out I was expecting a shot to kill just the pain in my leg, and she started preparing me for my last days on this earth, she was going to "keep me comfortable" until the end. I got put on the wrong schedule. Now that I have cleared everything up w/my oncologist and my nurses, it's kind of funny I guess. This woman actually asked me if I knew how much time I have left? Had anyone told me? Well, no, do you know how much time you have left? Has anyone told you?
Only God himself knows how much time I have left. Right? If you know please call me, but be warned, other people thought they knew, and I am still here. God has made a fool out of at least me. Dear God, I hope no-one else knows but you and I do not want you to tell me.
God did me a favor today. He performed a small miracle when he gave my son his puppy back. Maverick had run away and could not find his way home, some nice people took him in for the night and we found him at their home this morning. Thank you, God and the people that watched over him.
Onto something else. My parents are going away on a cruise for a few days w/my mother's siblings. I think it's nice how they make time to do things together and make it a point to stay close. I hope they have a nice time together. There are thingsthat I will never understand when it comes to siblings, all of them, I am not speaking of anyone in particular. Some are close and could not be separated no matter what, and others, if they didn't look alike, you would never know they were related, they are so different, and the slightest thing pulls them apart. Just watch Dr. Phil. The other day a woman was on there with her 3 daughters, twins that were 15 and bi-sexual, which is a question in itself and an older sibling, 16, who had stabbed he mother in the heart. Yes, Dr. Phil, not Jerry Springer. Those girls would die for one another but would kill their mother in a heartbeat. Are you kidding me? When you hear their story, you start to understand. Their mother screwed them up, and they knew it.
I have a mother that I rarely got along with. She knows what buttons to push. But, I tell her everything, and to this day, I can call her and she will be there for me. Some people do not understand my relationship w/her, hell, I don't get it sometimes, but they don't need to understand it, I love my mother. Maybe a little differently than most, but I love her. I cannot understand the life that she has led, and she probably doesn't understand why I do certain things that I do, but I still love her and all that crap is just that...crap. Unconditional love? I have found that I was right, it only exists between a mother and her children. If big or little things can break up your relationship w/someone, there is not unconditional love. You can love someone but if they don't love you back, it's wasted time and effort on your part. I refuse to waste any more of my time and effort, how about you?
That crazy doctor I was telling you about earlier, she put me on a medication that did what I needed it to do but one of the side effects was that my eyes and face were swollen, not good. It has to be that medicine, it and the radiation have been the only thing that has been different. So, I will be going off of that medicine. So what if I have no energy, at least I look human. Well, if I am wearing a wig anyway. Lately, the only place I spend any time is in my room. I am concerned about depression but I don't know how to stop it if it happens, and will I know? Seriously, if you looked at my life from an outsider's point of view, it would be hard not to think "why hasn't she jumped off a bridge yet?" Seriously, I have stage iv cancer, I am alone all of the time, the only family member I see is my mom, and my outing for the week is chemo. And my mom comes over to take me to that, and that is why I see my mom, cause she drives me.
4/1/2012
Well, we were told this past Thursday that I start radiation on a tumor pressing on my brain on Monday. After that I was told that I may have between 2 to 4 months left to live. I had taken a fall on Tuesday morning, broke my shoulder and sprained my ankle. So this is how I get to spend what time I have left. Somehow, I am taking these kids on vacation after my radiation stops the swelling in certain parts in my body. Anyone who loves me or the kids should know what's going on. I hope everyone understands why things have been so slow going.
love to all, you can reach me on facebook.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Getting Ready
So, Monday I will be getting bloodwork done for my new chemo that starts on Tuesday. It's not new, we have used it all before, none of it is new. Not to me anyway. So I am really not too sure of what the outcome is going to be. but we can always hope. I get these nasty shoys in my hips with this stuff, the shots, they hut...tremendoyusly. This is no ordinary shot, it looks like honey or Karo syrup trying to come out of a small syringe. And even the nurses dislike giving this shot. It makes their fingers(mostly thumbs) hurt. Then the other medicine, I take here at home, by mouth, it's just a little pill, then I take a dose of herceptin which requires my Benedryl which, Thank Goodness, requires a nap when I get home..
I deserve a nap on Tuesdays, lately however, I have been taking naps on almost a daily basis. Not sure why I was so tired all of the time, so I called the doctor. Dawn, his beautiful assistant told me that it's the cancer. I can handle that as long as we can get things back to normal. She say, it if things work quickly I should start getting some energy back before too long. Maybe these stabbing pains I am getting in my left side will go away too. That is definately the cancer.
What I need to do is ge this damn book finished or maybe we'll just put all of these blogs together and call it "memoirs of a dying woman" right T?
I was extremely impressed with my son the other day, Not that I am not always impressed with him but Tuesday was a little different. From the beginning, My son Bradley does not like to discuss my emminent death....ever! And normally we don't I hope to hang on until he's at the very least 18 and has some say so where his siblings are concerned.
Monday night Bradley came to me crying after we had a HUGE fight over how bad his temper was getting, and by this time I had told the kids the scans were not good and I had to have the results read to me and shown to me the next day. He came to me and apologized for throwing a temper fit and explained to me that he felt like he could not breath and the whole world was on his shoulders and he doesn't know what to do to make everything better or easier. What he needed to understand was that he couldn't. So I held him for a minute and asked him if he would like to go to the doctors office with me in the morning before school? He asked if that would be ok with Dr. Sbietan and I said it would and when my mother got here the next day, we went. I don't think my mother was too happy at first but the decision was mine to make, so I made it. Later I was glad that I did. Sometimes, Bradley can be very mature for his age and on Tuesday of this past week, he was exactly what I needed him to be.
Bradley saw the scans and he understands that what is happening is happening quickly. He also understands that my doctor will not lie to him and he knows that the meds I am taking are not going to make me sick. Funny when you can say things like "it's only" Herceptin or Arimadex or whatever. Kind of sad huh? But if it works, it'll be good for us. Please pray that it will.
OK, so, the new chemo starts Tuesday and tomorrow I will be going to the hospital to get my bloodwork for said chemo. Then, I will be transporting a bunch of boys to Galactic ice to go skating for Nick's birthday.
New question though? Had a muga scan on Thursday, is my heart strong enough for the herceptin? So many things to worry about.
If things aren't ok then what? Time to think about something else?
Let me tell you about the rest of the week. Katie and I went and got her wisdom teeth out, so she has been just a joy, and I hope she starts feeling better soon. Poor baby her whole face is swollen up and @ 15 I guess I just thought she would be a little more self-sufficient. I have not a problem helping her and loving her through it. But after 3 days I thought she would take her penecillin on time. However, I am glad she has backed off the pain meds so we can flush them. Hate those things, especially when one of my kids has to take them. Glad she really dislikes pills.
So much to tell, but the pills That I take are starting to kick my butt tonight! Good night all more tomorrow.
I deserve a nap on Tuesdays, lately however, I have been taking naps on almost a daily basis. Not sure why I was so tired all of the time, so I called the doctor. Dawn, his beautiful assistant told me that it's the cancer. I can handle that as long as we can get things back to normal. She say, it if things work quickly I should start getting some energy back before too long. Maybe these stabbing pains I am getting in my left side will go away too. That is definately the cancer.
What I need to do is ge this damn book finished or maybe we'll just put all of these blogs together and call it "memoirs of a dying woman" right T?
I was extremely impressed with my son the other day, Not that I am not always impressed with him but Tuesday was a little different. From the beginning, My son Bradley does not like to discuss my emminent death....ever! And normally we don't I hope to hang on until he's at the very least 18 and has some say so where his siblings are concerned.
Monday night Bradley came to me crying after we had a HUGE fight over how bad his temper was getting, and by this time I had told the kids the scans were not good and I had to have the results read to me and shown to me the next day. He came to me and apologized for throwing a temper fit and explained to me that he felt like he could not breath and the whole world was on his shoulders and he doesn't know what to do to make everything better or easier. What he needed to understand was that he couldn't. So I held him for a minute and asked him if he would like to go to the doctors office with me in the morning before school? He asked if that would be ok with Dr. Sbietan and I said it would and when my mother got here the next day, we went. I don't think my mother was too happy at first but the decision was mine to make, so I made it. Later I was glad that I did. Sometimes, Bradley can be very mature for his age and on Tuesday of this past week, he was exactly what I needed him to be.
Bradley saw the scans and he understands that what is happening is happening quickly. He also understands that my doctor will not lie to him and he knows that the meds I am taking are not going to make me sick. Funny when you can say things like "it's only" Herceptin or Arimadex or whatever. Kind of sad huh? But if it works, it'll be good for us. Please pray that it will.
OK, so, the new chemo starts Tuesday and tomorrow I will be going to the hospital to get my bloodwork for said chemo. Then, I will be transporting a bunch of boys to Galactic ice to go skating for Nick's birthday.
New question though? Had a muga scan on Thursday, is my heart strong enough for the herceptin? So many things to worry about.
If things aren't ok then what? Time to think about something else?
Let me tell you about the rest of the week. Katie and I went and got her wisdom teeth out, so she has been just a joy, and I hope she starts feeling better soon. Poor baby her whole face is swollen up and @ 15 I guess I just thought she would be a little more self-sufficient. I have not a problem helping her and loving her through it. But after 3 days I thought she would take her penecillin on time. However, I am glad she has backed off the pain meds so we can flush them. Hate those things, especially when one of my kids has to take them. Glad she really dislikes pills.
So much to tell, but the pills That I take are starting to kick my butt tonight! Good night all more tomorrow.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Scans completed, failed....
To all of my loved ones, please know that right now other than some pain in my legs and new tenderness in my skull, I feel fine. But I got the news yesterday that my chemotherapy is no longer working. So, I will see my doctor on Tuesday morning and we will talk about a new course of treatment for me. This is not unusual, we usually go thru this crap about every 6 months. Sometimes I get lucky and the meds last a year or so.
I know that there are some of you that are worried but for some reason I am ok. Truly. Not a tear dropped yesterday. I knew it was going to be bad, I can barely walk up my steps these days and the kids have to carry everything for me because I am too weak. I am bald, oh yeah, that's not news, but it does mean you can pick me out of a crowd.
I am asking that you say some extra prayers on my behalf. The kids do not know yet, once again it is Nick's birthday and I just cannot tell them until we are finished celebrating, so if you see them, please do not discuss it with them. They do not read my blogs, they say "I live it, why read it?" and they are right. And I still do not have any ideas for his birthday gift, he doesn't want a party. If you have any ideas please give me a shout.
Yesterday, I sent out a text to tell my nearest friends and relatives the general news, but once again I have no details so calling everyone and talking about it would have just upset me and them, and there really is nothing new to tell. I have cancer, We slowed it down for a bit but now it is raging again. Wish they had a pill for that.
My heart is a little sad though, I was watching Mara write on her new color explosion thing last night and I told her that I loved her, and she said, "I know mom, I love you too" very nonchalantly, so I took her little face in my hands and I said "no Mara, I really love you, not just words, really from my heart, not my mouth, I LOVE YOU". I think people say it so much these days, that it has lost meaning. When they hang up the phone or kiss their kids good night, they do love that person and their child but "I LOVE YOU" has become a phrase. I needed her to know that it is not just a phrase for me, ever.
I tell my kids and husband and my mother that I love them...always. But would it mean more if I only said it occasionally? Ok, any way onto another subject....
Do I try and get my book written? There is a whole lot on my bucket list. I want to take a trip with my husband to Greece, and I would love to take the kids to Disney world at some point. Bradley, my oldest, thinks it would be a smash hit! But I know that sometimes people write for years and never get published. I am not famous or a former president so it's not like someone is gonna pick up my story and run with it just because I have the right name. I have a more interesting story than most of them, and if my children would get a nice vacation and maybe help pay for a college education then I guess I should try right?
I cannot just sit and write everyday though. Even though I don't work a full time job, I get disgusted with life and sometimes just don't want to do anything. And, honestly, my book could hurt people that I love. I may not like them right now, but I do love them. All of it would be factual from my point of view, but what good is that? There are enough people pissed at me right now and I don't even know why. I don't think they know why. The simplist comments I make anymore are turned into an arguement. If people would just stop saying "you shouldn't feel that way" really guys? That is how I feel and I don't like it anymore than you do, but I cannot help it.
Personally, I think some of them are just jumping on the "let's dislike Lisa" bandwagon. Really, though, it hasn't changed my life much. My life has never been easy. And for the last 8 years it's pretty much been very challenging. I have to say, I do not cry nearly as much having stage 4 cancer, as I did when I was married to an alcoholic. Funny huh?
Speaking of that, the ex is having a party for Nick's birthday today, but he has to share it with his father and two other small children. That stinks for a 13 year old. Maybe a surprise party? I will figure it out...
Gonna make it short today, I will update everyone when I get updated...I hope you have a beautiful day, it is supposed to be nice out today, and all weekend. May the good Lord bless us all and please say your prayers and hug your loved ones.
I know that there are some of you that are worried but for some reason I am ok. Truly. Not a tear dropped yesterday. I knew it was going to be bad, I can barely walk up my steps these days and the kids have to carry everything for me because I am too weak. I am bald, oh yeah, that's not news, but it does mean you can pick me out of a crowd.
I am asking that you say some extra prayers on my behalf. The kids do not know yet, once again it is Nick's birthday and I just cannot tell them until we are finished celebrating, so if you see them, please do not discuss it with them. They do not read my blogs, they say "I live it, why read it?" and they are right. And I still do not have any ideas for his birthday gift, he doesn't want a party. If you have any ideas please give me a shout.
Yesterday, I sent out a text to tell my nearest friends and relatives the general news, but once again I have no details so calling everyone and talking about it would have just upset me and them, and there really is nothing new to tell. I have cancer, We slowed it down for a bit but now it is raging again. Wish they had a pill for that.
My heart is a little sad though, I was watching Mara write on her new color explosion thing last night and I told her that I loved her, and she said, "I know mom, I love you too" very nonchalantly, so I took her little face in my hands and I said "no Mara, I really love you, not just words, really from my heart, not my mouth, I LOVE YOU". I think people say it so much these days, that it has lost meaning. When they hang up the phone or kiss their kids good night, they do love that person and their child but "I LOVE YOU" has become a phrase. I needed her to know that it is not just a phrase for me, ever.
I tell my kids and husband and my mother that I love them...always. But would it mean more if I only said it occasionally? Ok, any way onto another subject....
Do I try and get my book written? There is a whole lot on my bucket list. I want to take a trip with my husband to Greece, and I would love to take the kids to Disney world at some point. Bradley, my oldest, thinks it would be a smash hit! But I know that sometimes people write for years and never get published. I am not famous or a former president so it's not like someone is gonna pick up my story and run with it just because I have the right name. I have a more interesting story than most of them, and if my children would get a nice vacation and maybe help pay for a college education then I guess I should try right?
I cannot just sit and write everyday though. Even though I don't work a full time job, I get disgusted with life and sometimes just don't want to do anything. And, honestly, my book could hurt people that I love. I may not like them right now, but I do love them. All of it would be factual from my point of view, but what good is that? There are enough people pissed at me right now and I don't even know why. I don't think they know why. The simplist comments I make anymore are turned into an arguement. If people would just stop saying "you shouldn't feel that way" really guys? That is how I feel and I don't like it anymore than you do, but I cannot help it.
Personally, I think some of them are just jumping on the "let's dislike Lisa" bandwagon. Really, though, it hasn't changed my life much. My life has never been easy. And for the last 8 years it's pretty much been very challenging. I have to say, I do not cry nearly as much having stage 4 cancer, as I did when I was married to an alcoholic. Funny huh?
Speaking of that, the ex is having a party for Nick's birthday today, but he has to share it with his father and two other small children. That stinks for a 13 year old. Maybe a surprise party? I will figure it out...
Gonna make it short today, I will update everyone when I get updated...I hope you have a beautiful day, it is supposed to be nice out today, and all weekend. May the good Lord bless us all and please say your prayers and hug your loved ones.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Eventually
At some point the first 6 chemo treatments ended. I came through it, and looking back, cannot believe I made it, but with the help of my family and friends I managed. So, back to the doctor, the oncologist to find out what was next.
Two weeks after my last chemo treatment, Dr. Chuu put me on Tamoxifen, a chemo drug that you take daily like a vitamin. Side effects I am sure but none that I noticed. When he told me about the tamoxifen I asked him what it did and he basically told me that it pretty much shut down the estrogen in my body. Mary and I were confused, so I asked him if I was going to grow a mustache or beard being on this drug? He laughed at me, thinking I was kidding.....Mary assured him that I was not. So he reassured me that I was not about to grow anything, including a penis by taking this drug.
Right after the chemo was finished, the dealership that I worked for had a huge breast cancer benefit for an agency called YSC (I think) but it doesn't really matter now anyway. When it was all said and done, we had a wonderful time and we donated $15,000 to the YSC. In my opinion at the time it was the best thing to do with the money. My goal was to help young women with breast cancer. To let women know they didn't have to be 40 years old before they could get cancer. I never heard from them again after they took the money. The complaint I have with them is that I called them a few years later and I needed to speak to someone about my children's future, whether or not they could help me get some information and after we had donated $15,000 they never even bothered to return my calls. Makes you wonder doesn't it? They are supposed to be helping women like me, right? Where were they when I needed them? I had a question. Could they even point me in the right direction? And then I found out that a non profit organization, hired a woman and paid her a salary to run the organization and she not only never had a history of breast cancer, but didn't even know anyone who had ever had it! How was she going to help women who needed compassion and understanding. I should have done more research before handing over that money. Not that it was a lot in their eyes but it was in mine.
So, I had come through all of this surgery and chemo in one piece. I was not finished though, still had a month of radiation. You might think this is a little funny, I did, my radiologist's name was Dr. Shocker. Can you believe it? Very nice man and a few weeks into the radiation, I started to grow my hair back. Dark and curly....very curly. It was beautiful, I had come through it and came through it with flying colors! What an adventure, not a fun one, but an adventure none the less. I had made it!
Now we were talking about buying a house in Nicktown. Jim's old house in Nicktown. My family would be 45 minutes away. The boys would go to Northern Cambria and dear Lord, help me, he and his ex-wife had lived there together for the last 8 or 9 years. We had a huge fight over it and I had not even seen it yet. It's not easy to live in a house that the ex lived in. Especially when there are small children reminding you of it all of the time. "when my mom lived here." Well, I got a good look at how things were when their "mom lived here." And it was not good. I never saw the inside until after the papers were signed. The bank sold me the house and the five acres it sits on. It was a lot of money in my opinion and I was scared because Jim and I were in love but not married. The house has and in-ground pool, basketball court, 4 bedrooms a laundry room. It sounds wonderful,doesn't it? Let me let you in on a little secret, the house is brick, it sits back in the woods on five acres and it looked perfect in the snow from the outside, while sitting in the truck. I wanted to raise my kids here. The secrets and bad things even with people are ALWAYS on the inside. A lot of things look pretty from the outside and are rotting on the inside.....this house was one of those things.
My first experience in this house will end this blog because it makes me sick to even think about it. So, the floor was covered in so much garbage that I made Jim just rip it up off of the floor, I was afraid to walk on it, even with shoes on. I then walked upstairs to find live animals living in one of the bedrooms, baby bunnies to be exact. The cielings were on the floor because the last person that lived here, Jim or her, walked out and didn't winterize the house. No heat or water because all of the pipes blew and that was the reason all of the cielings fell. The kitchen had carpeting, and nothing worked, not the fridge(which I wasn't gonna open)the oven or the stove. OK, 2 burners worked. Everything in the house was paneling...all of the walls had been colored on. ALL of them. There weren't just animals living here there were small children left to live like animals. I am not over exaggerating. That show "hoarding" made this place look good. We rented a dumpster and started to clean. Well Jim did because I could not do it, I was afraid of getting into something that might make me very ill. I was still doing radiation when we moved here. It was getting to be the end of the summer and still no heat or water. The heat and water got put in just in time for winter. Still no cielings and the living room was not livable. Our first winter here was awful but we were in a big house we could only use half of of it, so we were close. ALL 7 of us. Oh yeah, we have a pond that is slowly turning into a swamp too....
More later.
Two weeks after my last chemo treatment, Dr. Chuu put me on Tamoxifen, a chemo drug that you take daily like a vitamin. Side effects I am sure but none that I noticed. When he told me about the tamoxifen I asked him what it did and he basically told me that it pretty much shut down the estrogen in my body. Mary and I were confused, so I asked him if I was going to grow a mustache or beard being on this drug? He laughed at me, thinking I was kidding.....Mary assured him that I was not. So he reassured me that I was not about to grow anything, including a penis by taking this drug.
Right after the chemo was finished, the dealership that I worked for had a huge breast cancer benefit for an agency called YSC (I think) but it doesn't really matter now anyway. When it was all said and done, we had a wonderful time and we donated $15,000 to the YSC. In my opinion at the time it was the best thing to do with the money. My goal was to help young women with breast cancer. To let women know they didn't have to be 40 years old before they could get cancer. I never heard from them again after they took the money. The complaint I have with them is that I called them a few years later and I needed to speak to someone about my children's future, whether or not they could help me get some information and after we had donated $15,000 they never even bothered to return my calls. Makes you wonder doesn't it? They are supposed to be helping women like me, right? Where were they when I needed them? I had a question. Could they even point me in the right direction? And then I found out that a non profit organization, hired a woman and paid her a salary to run the organization and she not only never had a history of breast cancer, but didn't even know anyone who had ever had it! How was she going to help women who needed compassion and understanding. I should have done more research before handing over that money. Not that it was a lot in their eyes but it was in mine.
So, I had come through all of this surgery and chemo in one piece. I was not finished though, still had a month of radiation. You might think this is a little funny, I did, my radiologist's name was Dr. Shocker. Can you believe it? Very nice man and a few weeks into the radiation, I started to grow my hair back. Dark and curly....very curly. It was beautiful, I had come through it and came through it with flying colors! What an adventure, not a fun one, but an adventure none the less. I had made it!
Now we were talking about buying a house in Nicktown. Jim's old house in Nicktown. My family would be 45 minutes away. The boys would go to Northern Cambria and dear Lord, help me, he and his ex-wife had lived there together for the last 8 or 9 years. We had a huge fight over it and I had not even seen it yet. It's not easy to live in a house that the ex lived in. Especially when there are small children reminding you of it all of the time. "when my mom lived here." Well, I got a good look at how things were when their "mom lived here." And it was not good. I never saw the inside until after the papers were signed. The bank sold me the house and the five acres it sits on. It was a lot of money in my opinion and I was scared because Jim and I were in love but not married. The house has and in-ground pool, basketball court, 4 bedrooms a laundry room. It sounds wonderful,doesn't it? Let me let you in on a little secret, the house is brick, it sits back in the woods on five acres and it looked perfect in the snow from the outside, while sitting in the truck. I wanted to raise my kids here. The secrets and bad things even with people are ALWAYS on the inside. A lot of things look pretty from the outside and are rotting on the inside.....this house was one of those things.
My first experience in this house will end this blog because it makes me sick to even think about it. So, the floor was covered in so much garbage that I made Jim just rip it up off of the floor, I was afraid to walk on it, even with shoes on. I then walked upstairs to find live animals living in one of the bedrooms, baby bunnies to be exact. The cielings were on the floor because the last person that lived here, Jim or her, walked out and didn't winterize the house. No heat or water because all of the pipes blew and that was the reason all of the cielings fell. The kitchen had carpeting, and nothing worked, not the fridge(which I wasn't gonna open)the oven or the stove. OK, 2 burners worked. Everything in the house was paneling...all of the walls had been colored on. ALL of them. There weren't just animals living here there were small children left to live like animals. I am not over exaggerating. That show "hoarding" made this place look good. We rented a dumpster and started to clean. Well Jim did because I could not do it, I was afraid of getting into something that might make me very ill. I was still doing radiation when we moved here. It was getting to be the end of the summer and still no heat or water. The heat and water got put in just in time for winter. Still no cielings and the living room was not livable. Our first winter here was awful but we were in a big house we could only use half of of it, so we were close. ALL 7 of us. Oh yeah, we have a pond that is slowly turning into a swamp too....
More later.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
More
Onto the next section of the story, not quite sure how far we were into the chemo, like 3 or 4 treatments, it was still cold out but sunny. Anyway, Mary who always took me to all of my treatments dropped me off at my house to rest while the boys were still at school and Jim was at work and right after she got me inside, because I was always a little groggy there was a knock at the door.
I went to the front door and opened it to find a local town's police force which consisted of two officers. Not quite sure who it was at the time, don't really remember much from back then and I would never put their names in here anyway. It wasn't the town I was living in but one close by. The larger of the two men asked me where my soon to be ex husband was. I told him I wasn't sure but it was Thursday so he should be at work or on his way home. That same officer told me that he was there to arrest me because the weekend before there had been someone who came out of the local pub riding a 4-wheeler thru his town" tearing things up". They chased this "drunk" for quite some time and were never able to catch him so they ran the plates and found that the quad was registered to me. This officer knew just from looking at me that I was not the person they were looking for and asked me if the quad had been stolen, I told them the truth, (which thinking back I wonder if things would have worked out a little differently if I had lied). And I told them where they could find the 4-wheeler and my estranged husband, at my previous residence.
By the time they left, I was in tears and they were not nearly as sweet as I had just made them sound. You see, they made sure to get that one last threat in before they left about harboring a fugitive. I was a mess. I still had yet to sit down after getting back from my chemo treatment. It was obvious to anyone who would have seen me, how sick I was, I mean for God's sake I was standing there bald and pale, and about half doped up from Ativan. What the hell kind of police officers treat people like that? They knew it wasn't me. I won't knock policemen in here, I have a great deal of respect for them, but these two men went above and beyond to scare me. I knew nothing about the weekend before, we had split up long before that and to be honest, had my ex been sober, he probably would have stopped. But at the time he was in a lot of trouble already from drinking and driving and could not afford to get caught again.
Anyway, I called Gerald, my uncle , and told him what just happened. He came directly to the house with Mary and they made some calls to that town's mayor. I was apologized to and they found the house and the 4-wheeler and my ex. It was amazing how they treated him though, it all came down to some fines for him. He's very charming when he wants to be. Let's just say his luck is just the opposite of mine. They were ready to throw me in jail to get to him but when they got to him they let everything pretty much slide.
That day sticks out in my memory. I had not let my mother ever take me to chemo. It was something I thought would be over after 6 times and I would never have to do again. So, I thought I had been through some really bad shit and she should not have to watch. She was my mother and no mother should have to watch her child go through chemotherapy. The first time I ever had a chemo treatment, the one drug was called Adriamyacin. The red rose some people called it. This drug was a beautiful shade of red, but when administered it is called an IV push. So, the nurse sits with you and literally pushes this drug from a suringe into your veins. You realize that they are literally poisoning you. That is what chemo is, poison. And you have to take it because it may be the only way to save your life. For those who don't understand it, chemo is a poison to your body. They, the doctors and nurses have to administer this poison to try and kill off the cancer cells, the problem with chemo presently is that when they kill the cancer cells they also kill the normal cells that make your hair grow, make your nails grow, and things of that sort. This is why people who are on certain regiments of chemo lose their hair and our fingernails turn nasty and our teeth get bad. We lose our eye lashes and eye brows, and we never have to shave our legs or underarms. Our blood counts drop and we have to take shots to bring them back up so that we can get the next regiment of chemo and we must stay away from people who are carrying a cold or have a virus or flu. We don't have much of an immune system to fight off any type of stuffy nose or what not. My children have to be very attentive about washing their hands after doing anything and they have to protect themselves from viruses or bugs that they can possibly bring home to me.
Chemo patients get tired, physically drained from doing nothing. Literally nothing. If and when our counts are down, we are exhausted. All we want to do is rest. After a treatment that really disagrees with me, if I am not puking I wish I was. Sometimes, not to be gross but it comes from both ends. Then you become dehydrated. Dehydration is not fun either. If that gets severe you can end up hospitalized. Your whole body hurts. You want to cry, you want to scream "why me", but you can't. And here is why....it could be your child. What could be worse than watching your child go through something so horrible and not be able to take it away from them? The only thing worse than being me, and I have said this many times, would be being my mother. Any time I start feeling sorry for myself, I think of the shows that come on tv that raise money to support the children at St. Jude. There is nothing worse than seeing a bald little girl who is suffering from cancer. I will take it. I will bare the cross, rather than watch one of my sons or my daughter bare that cross. And I will also fight, as long as there is something to fight with, I will fight. I owe that to my kids.
There is so much, phychologically that a cancer patient goes through, then they add the medication, then you add the family drama. Some days it's easier to not think about ANY of it.
You do learn some little tricks to help with some of the chemo side effects. For instance, if you stop at Sheetz and pick up a frozen drink and suck on it while the infusion takes place, you do not get the blisters in your mouth and throat. Emend before the treatment helps the sick stomache for the first three days. Always keep immodium with you, you can be anywhere when the runs hit and it's usually gonna get you right after you eat out somewhere. Certain smells are really bad. Stay away from cigarette smoke, perfume counters and greasy food. Coffee, even if you love it, can make you really sick, just from the smell.
Chemo for me is hard, most of the time. There are times however, whenit's just fine and doesn't make me sick.
more later
I went to the front door and opened it to find a local town's police force which consisted of two officers. Not quite sure who it was at the time, don't really remember much from back then and I would never put their names in here anyway. It wasn't the town I was living in but one close by. The larger of the two men asked me where my soon to be ex husband was. I told him I wasn't sure but it was Thursday so he should be at work or on his way home. That same officer told me that he was there to arrest me because the weekend before there had been someone who came out of the local pub riding a 4-wheeler thru his town" tearing things up". They chased this "drunk" for quite some time and were never able to catch him so they ran the plates and found that the quad was registered to me. This officer knew just from looking at me that I was not the person they were looking for and asked me if the quad had been stolen, I told them the truth, (which thinking back I wonder if things would have worked out a little differently if I had lied). And I told them where they could find the 4-wheeler and my estranged husband, at my previous residence.
By the time they left, I was in tears and they were not nearly as sweet as I had just made them sound. You see, they made sure to get that one last threat in before they left about harboring a fugitive. I was a mess. I still had yet to sit down after getting back from my chemo treatment. It was obvious to anyone who would have seen me, how sick I was, I mean for God's sake I was standing there bald and pale, and about half doped up from Ativan. What the hell kind of police officers treat people like that? They knew it wasn't me. I won't knock policemen in here, I have a great deal of respect for them, but these two men went above and beyond to scare me. I knew nothing about the weekend before, we had split up long before that and to be honest, had my ex been sober, he probably would have stopped. But at the time he was in a lot of trouble already from drinking and driving and could not afford to get caught again.
Anyway, I called Gerald, my uncle , and told him what just happened. He came directly to the house with Mary and they made some calls to that town's mayor. I was apologized to and they found the house and the 4-wheeler and my ex. It was amazing how they treated him though, it all came down to some fines for him. He's very charming when he wants to be. Let's just say his luck is just the opposite of mine. They were ready to throw me in jail to get to him but when they got to him they let everything pretty much slide.
That day sticks out in my memory. I had not let my mother ever take me to chemo. It was something I thought would be over after 6 times and I would never have to do again. So, I thought I had been through some really bad shit and she should not have to watch. She was my mother and no mother should have to watch her child go through chemotherapy. The first time I ever had a chemo treatment, the one drug was called Adriamyacin. The red rose some people called it. This drug was a beautiful shade of red, but when administered it is called an IV push. So, the nurse sits with you and literally pushes this drug from a suringe into your veins. You realize that they are literally poisoning you. That is what chemo is, poison. And you have to take it because it may be the only way to save your life. For those who don't understand it, chemo is a poison to your body. They, the doctors and nurses have to administer this poison to try and kill off the cancer cells, the problem with chemo presently is that when they kill the cancer cells they also kill the normal cells that make your hair grow, make your nails grow, and things of that sort. This is why people who are on certain regiments of chemo lose their hair and our fingernails turn nasty and our teeth get bad. We lose our eye lashes and eye brows, and we never have to shave our legs or underarms. Our blood counts drop and we have to take shots to bring them back up so that we can get the next regiment of chemo and we must stay away from people who are carrying a cold or have a virus or flu. We don't have much of an immune system to fight off any type of stuffy nose or what not. My children have to be very attentive about washing their hands after doing anything and they have to protect themselves from viruses or bugs that they can possibly bring home to me.
Chemo patients get tired, physically drained from doing nothing. Literally nothing. If and when our counts are down, we are exhausted. All we want to do is rest. After a treatment that really disagrees with me, if I am not puking I wish I was. Sometimes, not to be gross but it comes from both ends. Then you become dehydrated. Dehydration is not fun either. If that gets severe you can end up hospitalized. Your whole body hurts. You want to cry, you want to scream "why me", but you can't. And here is why....it could be your child. What could be worse than watching your child go through something so horrible and not be able to take it away from them? The only thing worse than being me, and I have said this many times, would be being my mother. Any time I start feeling sorry for myself, I think of the shows that come on tv that raise money to support the children at St. Jude. There is nothing worse than seeing a bald little girl who is suffering from cancer. I will take it. I will bare the cross, rather than watch one of my sons or my daughter bare that cross. And I will also fight, as long as there is something to fight with, I will fight. I owe that to my kids.
There is so much, phychologically that a cancer patient goes through, then they add the medication, then you add the family drama. Some days it's easier to not think about ANY of it.
You do learn some little tricks to help with some of the chemo side effects. For instance, if you stop at Sheetz and pick up a frozen drink and suck on it while the infusion takes place, you do not get the blisters in your mouth and throat. Emend before the treatment helps the sick stomache for the first three days. Always keep immodium with you, you can be anywhere when the runs hit and it's usually gonna get you right after you eat out somewhere. Certain smells are really bad. Stay away from cigarette smoke, perfume counters and greasy food. Coffee, even if you love it, can make you really sick, just from the smell.
Chemo for me is hard, most of the time. There are times however, whenit's just fine and doesn't make me sick.
more later
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Surprise
Tonight, Danny, Bobbi's husband, told me that he reads my blogs. I was kind of on the edge as to whether or not to continue since today I shut down my facebook page. You see, I would have never, in a million years thought that Danny, who is a busy father, husband and fireman, would take time to read my silly blogs. He made up my mind and made me feel good about what I do. So, thanks Danny! If something I write can hit home where you are concerned then I must be doing something right.
Writing anything and I mean anything on facebook can cause an altrication if it is taken in the wrong context. I have been hurt by things and recently found out that I have unintentionally hurt others. It doesn't matter how nice you are. It's a problem.
I started this blog to get the hurt and anger out and to try and make other people understand as much about what a patient goes through as possible. My story is a little different than most, I hope that helps.
Tonight I want to tell you about my grandmother, Mom. Not my mother, she is Mommy to me. And Mom, she was so huge in my life that I was totally in awe of her, right up until the day she passed away. When I was sick, she would help take care of me. She would cook my favorite foods to make me eat, knowing I couldn't completely turn it down. Mom would make liver and onions (which I love) when my counts were down, just incase it might help bring them up. I can get anemic really easily when I am on chemo, Mom loved me thru it and I miss her. She was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I don't even come close to measuring up. I think when you figure it out, my parents made her a grandmother at 34 yrs old. Mom changed Easter weekend and Mother's Day so that we could all celebrate together when I felt good. When Mom died, my world crashed. I wasn't sure where I belonged but I got put in my place pretty damn quick. Even though I was basically raised by her and my mother both during my early childhood, it was made very clear that I was to step back and not have anything to say after she passed. I was a grandchild and I was to stay a grandchild and shut my mouth. Well, that was ok, really. But I loved her and still do and I had just as much right to grieve her passing as everyone else had.
Here is how we saw each other....we were driving to Altoona one day to go shopping and I was carrying Nicholas and Bradley was about a year old. I was very upset and asked her how I was ever going to love this new baby as much as I loved Bradley? How was I going to make room in my heart for this child that was due in 2 months? And her response was "I had 8 children before you came,Lisa and I love you just as much as I love all of them, your heart doesn't make room, it gets bigger." And she was right, I love all of my kids just the same as if they were the first.
Telling Mom I had cancer was hard. Seeing the hurt in her eyes when she looked at me, very hard. My mother justifies all of it in her mind with the idea that "everybody dies." And my mother is right. I am no huge exception to the rule, we are all going to die....the hard part isn't dying. hell, some days I wish we could get it over with already. The hard part is the suffering. The pain The hard part is when people look at me and they know. The hard part is chemo and being sick just so I can have one extra week or month.
Want to know what is hard? knowing that people can look at me, know I have cancer and they light a cigarrette. This could be you! You are asking for this? I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy! I totally understand that quitting cigarettes would be next to impossible. Next to it! Surviving what I got, IMPOSSIBLE. You may be able to drag it out a while but eventually it's going to get you! Mommy just said the other day that she's gotta die from something! Mommy this is not it. And what if you are needed to help raise my kids? And you get lung cancer? What is that going to do to my poor kids? Does anyone think about their future when they pick up that first pack? I don't even spend money on the lottery much less $5 on a pack of cigarettes? That is a vacation after a year, isn't it?
Going now, want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and thank you Danny again.
Writing anything and I mean anything on facebook can cause an altrication if it is taken in the wrong context. I have been hurt by things and recently found out that I have unintentionally hurt others. It doesn't matter how nice you are. It's a problem.
I started this blog to get the hurt and anger out and to try and make other people understand as much about what a patient goes through as possible. My story is a little different than most, I hope that helps.
Tonight I want to tell you about my grandmother, Mom. Not my mother, she is Mommy to me. And Mom, she was so huge in my life that I was totally in awe of her, right up until the day she passed away. When I was sick, she would help take care of me. She would cook my favorite foods to make me eat, knowing I couldn't completely turn it down. Mom would make liver and onions (which I love) when my counts were down, just incase it might help bring them up. I can get anemic really easily when I am on chemo, Mom loved me thru it and I miss her. She was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I don't even come close to measuring up. I think when you figure it out, my parents made her a grandmother at 34 yrs old. Mom changed Easter weekend and Mother's Day so that we could all celebrate together when I felt good. When Mom died, my world crashed. I wasn't sure where I belonged but I got put in my place pretty damn quick. Even though I was basically raised by her and my mother both during my early childhood, it was made very clear that I was to step back and not have anything to say after she passed. I was a grandchild and I was to stay a grandchild and shut my mouth. Well, that was ok, really. But I loved her and still do and I had just as much right to grieve her passing as everyone else had.
Here is how we saw each other....we were driving to Altoona one day to go shopping and I was carrying Nicholas and Bradley was about a year old. I was very upset and asked her how I was ever going to love this new baby as much as I loved Bradley? How was I going to make room in my heart for this child that was due in 2 months? And her response was "I had 8 children before you came,Lisa and I love you just as much as I love all of them, your heart doesn't make room, it gets bigger." And she was right, I love all of my kids just the same as if they were the first.
Telling Mom I had cancer was hard. Seeing the hurt in her eyes when she looked at me, very hard. My mother justifies all of it in her mind with the idea that "everybody dies." And my mother is right. I am no huge exception to the rule, we are all going to die....the hard part isn't dying. hell, some days I wish we could get it over with already. The hard part is the suffering. The pain The hard part is when people look at me and they know. The hard part is chemo and being sick just so I can have one extra week or month.
Want to know what is hard? knowing that people can look at me, know I have cancer and they light a cigarrette. This could be you! You are asking for this? I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy! I totally understand that quitting cigarettes would be next to impossible. Next to it! Surviving what I got, IMPOSSIBLE. You may be able to drag it out a while but eventually it's going to get you! Mommy just said the other day that she's gotta die from something! Mommy this is not it. And what if you are needed to help raise my kids? And you get lung cancer? What is that going to do to my poor kids? Does anyone think about their future when they pick up that first pack? I don't even spend money on the lottery much less $5 on a pack of cigarettes? That is a vacation after a year, isn't it?
Going now, want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and thank you Danny again.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
It's been too long
I know it's been a while since I have written and for those few who follow faithfully, I apologize but as you know it's Christmas. Things are crazy. People are crazy! You would think that the general public would be nice to one another but WOW, are they ever rude and nasty. And there is definately at least on little boy who deserves nothing but a stocking full of coal for the holiday. Personally his mother needs a good slap in my opinion. What happened to raising your children with some manners? How about some compassion? My little girl was approached last week by a boy, we won't say his name, giggling and laughing and said to her(w/me and his mother sitting right there)"Your Mom doesn't have hair does she Mara?" In that moment, that BRAT ruined her Christmas lunch w/me and her Aunt Kim as she replied "no, she doesn't" she dropped her head and I could feel her heart breaking. Mara had been all smiles before that moment. His mother said NOTHING, turned her whole body in the opposite direction and did NOTHING! He was laughing at my daughter because I am bald. So, knowing he's only 6 and it's her fault he is a brat, he misbehaved the whole time, I stopped him in his smart alec tracks and explained to him that no, I did not have hair, and why.
Please teach your children to ask someone a question w/respect if they have one, and that everyone is different for different reasons, this is what makes us all unique. Not to point and laugh, you don't know what a person faces everyday of their life. This child's mother owes my daughter an apology, but I won't hold my breath. Some parents need to take the time to explain things to their children, don't be embarrassed by them, I'm not. I would rather someone ask me about my illness so I can explain than see them stare and whisper about me. When you do that, you not only hurt me but you hurt my kids. I do not wear wigs because they are uncomfortable, and I will not make myself anymore uncomfortable to make you feel at ease.
OK, back to the story of my illness. I truly do not remember every treatment or every medication that I have been on, I do know that there are ones I will never forget and I do know that there are alot of folders that hold alot of paperwork, sometimes I wonder how my nurses carry it all. Every now and then they will break it down so it's less, and just bring the latest info, like the last year or something. Anyway, after having one chemo treatment, I was scared beyond anything you can imagine to have the second one.
The second chemo was not good. But they tried putting me on a medication to help with the nasea and vomiting, the name of it is Emend and it saved my life, really. I would take it before a treatment and the next two days and it shortened the time I was ill. So, the second time I went for a treatment, Mary picked me up, and we went to the hospital, I saw the doctor and he escorted me to the chemo room. The nurse got me prepped for the IV and it blew, I could feel myself getting light headed and I told her to give me a minute but she didn't listen, and she stuck me again, and missed the vein, when I told her I was going to pass out she still didn't listen and started to wiggle the needle in, trying to hit the vein, the next thin I remember was waking up to smelling salts, three doctors and some nurses and Mary. There are some nurses who just should not be in oncology. I have met my fair share, really. And then there are those nurses who belong only in oncology. I will eventually tell you about Jen and Missy and the wonderful staff that Dr. Sbietan has. But honestly, there is even at least one in that crew that doesn't belong there, I'm sure.
I had a total of 6 chemo treatment like this. It was what I thought at the time the worst thing ever, and at the time it was. My mom would bring me vanilla ice cream and force feed me. Gloria once showed up with a plate of dinner from Mom's on a Sunday and tried to help me eat. If I didn't get out of bed for more than a day, my mother would come to my house and make me get up and get throw all the curtains open. At that point all I wanted was to die. Yes, chemo can be that bad for some people, depending on their disease and the medicine they take. Other people are just fine and have no side effects at all.
The day that my hair was starting to fall out by the handfuls, I called my sister, Lynn and asked her to come over and bring her clippers, it was a Friday. The kids were supposed to be with their Dad and he was going to spend the day with Nick and take Bradley to school. Lynn came over to shave my head and then Mary walked in, and so did my mother. Then behind Mary came Bradley, Nicholas and Mary's daughter Maggie. Each one holding a rose in their little hands. As I sat there in tears and tried not to cry in front of them, they took turns using the clippers and shaved my head. This gave me and my kids some control over this disease. Or so I thought. Later that night I put Nicholas in the bathtub and went to the kitchen for a minute. When I walked back to the bathroom Nick was crying, really crying heavy sobs. I picked him up from the bath and held him to ask him what was wrong and he said "mommy I am so sorry I shaved all of your hair off" he didn't fully understand that my hair was going to fall out anyway, that I was going to be bald no matter what. My son thought he had caused this bald, ugly mess that was my life. My baby boy. We talked about it for a while and eventually he understood. But he was 5. At 5 everything is because of something they did, remember, I was also going through a divorce, in which he lost his home.
Sorry I need a break.......later.
Please teach your children to ask someone a question w/respect if they have one, and that everyone is different for different reasons, this is what makes us all unique. Not to point and laugh, you don't know what a person faces everyday of their life. This child's mother owes my daughter an apology, but I won't hold my breath. Some parents need to take the time to explain things to their children, don't be embarrassed by them, I'm not. I would rather someone ask me about my illness so I can explain than see them stare and whisper about me. When you do that, you not only hurt me but you hurt my kids. I do not wear wigs because they are uncomfortable, and I will not make myself anymore uncomfortable to make you feel at ease.
OK, back to the story of my illness. I truly do not remember every treatment or every medication that I have been on, I do know that there are ones I will never forget and I do know that there are alot of folders that hold alot of paperwork, sometimes I wonder how my nurses carry it all. Every now and then they will break it down so it's less, and just bring the latest info, like the last year or something. Anyway, after having one chemo treatment, I was scared beyond anything you can imagine to have the second one.
The second chemo was not good. But they tried putting me on a medication to help with the nasea and vomiting, the name of it is Emend and it saved my life, really. I would take it before a treatment and the next two days and it shortened the time I was ill. So, the second time I went for a treatment, Mary picked me up, and we went to the hospital, I saw the doctor and he escorted me to the chemo room. The nurse got me prepped for the IV and it blew, I could feel myself getting light headed and I told her to give me a minute but she didn't listen, and she stuck me again, and missed the vein, when I told her I was going to pass out she still didn't listen and started to wiggle the needle in, trying to hit the vein, the next thin I remember was waking up to smelling salts, three doctors and some nurses and Mary. There are some nurses who just should not be in oncology. I have met my fair share, really. And then there are those nurses who belong only in oncology. I will eventually tell you about Jen and Missy and the wonderful staff that Dr. Sbietan has. But honestly, there is even at least one in that crew that doesn't belong there, I'm sure.
I had a total of 6 chemo treatment like this. It was what I thought at the time the worst thing ever, and at the time it was. My mom would bring me vanilla ice cream and force feed me. Gloria once showed up with a plate of dinner from Mom's on a Sunday and tried to help me eat. If I didn't get out of bed for more than a day, my mother would come to my house and make me get up and get throw all the curtains open. At that point all I wanted was to die. Yes, chemo can be that bad for some people, depending on their disease and the medicine they take. Other people are just fine and have no side effects at all.
The day that my hair was starting to fall out by the handfuls, I called my sister, Lynn and asked her to come over and bring her clippers, it was a Friday. The kids were supposed to be with their Dad and he was going to spend the day with Nick and take Bradley to school. Lynn came over to shave my head and then Mary walked in, and so did my mother. Then behind Mary came Bradley, Nicholas and Mary's daughter Maggie. Each one holding a rose in their little hands. As I sat there in tears and tried not to cry in front of them, they took turns using the clippers and shaved my head. This gave me and my kids some control over this disease. Or so I thought. Later that night I put Nicholas in the bathtub and went to the kitchen for a minute. When I walked back to the bathroom Nick was crying, really crying heavy sobs. I picked him up from the bath and held him to ask him what was wrong and he said "mommy I am so sorry I shaved all of your hair off" he didn't fully understand that my hair was going to fall out anyway, that I was going to be bald no matter what. My son thought he had caused this bald, ugly mess that was my life. My baby boy. We talked about it for a while and eventually he understood. But he was 5. At 5 everything is because of something they did, remember, I was also going through a divorce, in which he lost his home.
Sorry I need a break.......later.
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