So, Monday I will be getting bloodwork done for my new chemo that starts on Tuesday. It's not new, we have used it all before, none of it is new. Not to me anyway. So I am really not too sure of what the outcome is going to be. but we can always hope. I get these nasty shoys in my hips with this stuff, the shots, they hut...tremendoyusly. This is no ordinary shot, it looks like honey or Karo syrup trying to come out of a small syringe. And even the nurses dislike giving this shot. It makes their fingers(mostly thumbs) hurt. Then the other medicine, I take here at home, by mouth, it's just a little pill, then I take a dose of herceptin which requires my Benedryl which, Thank Goodness, requires a nap when I get home..
I deserve a nap on Tuesdays, lately however, I have been taking naps on almost a daily basis. Not sure why I was so tired all of the time, so I called the doctor. Dawn, his beautiful assistant told me that it's the cancer. I can handle that as long as we can get things back to normal. She say, it if things work quickly I should start getting some energy back before too long. Maybe these stabbing pains I am getting in my left side will go away too. That is definately the cancer.
What I need to do is ge this damn book finished or maybe we'll just put all of these blogs together and call it "memoirs of a dying woman" right T?
I was extremely impressed with my son the other day, Not that I am not always impressed with him but Tuesday was a little different. From the beginning, My son Bradley does not like to discuss my emminent death....ever! And normally we don't I hope to hang on until he's at the very least 18 and has some say so where his siblings are concerned.
Monday night Bradley came to me crying after we had a HUGE fight over how bad his temper was getting, and by this time I had told the kids the scans were not good and I had to have the results read to me and shown to me the next day. He came to me and apologized for throwing a temper fit and explained to me that he felt like he could not breath and the whole world was on his shoulders and he doesn't know what to do to make everything better or easier. What he needed to understand was that he couldn't. So I held him for a minute and asked him if he would like to go to the doctors office with me in the morning before school? He asked if that would be ok with Dr. Sbietan and I said it would and when my mother got here the next day, we went. I don't think my mother was too happy at first but the decision was mine to make, so I made it. Later I was glad that I did. Sometimes, Bradley can be very mature for his age and on Tuesday of this past week, he was exactly what I needed him to be.
Bradley saw the scans and he understands that what is happening is happening quickly. He also understands that my doctor will not lie to him and he knows that the meds I am taking are not going to make me sick. Funny when you can say things like "it's only" Herceptin or Arimadex or whatever. Kind of sad huh? But if it works, it'll be good for us. Please pray that it will.
OK, so, the new chemo starts Tuesday and tomorrow I will be going to the hospital to get my bloodwork for said chemo. Then, I will be transporting a bunch of boys to Galactic ice to go skating for Nick's birthday.
New question though? Had a muga scan on Thursday, is my heart strong enough for the herceptin? So many things to worry about.
If things aren't ok then what? Time to think about something else?
Let me tell you about the rest of the week. Katie and I went and got her wisdom teeth out, so she has been just a joy, and I hope she starts feeling better soon. Poor baby her whole face is swollen up and @ 15 I guess I just thought she would be a little more self-sufficient. I have not a problem helping her and loving her through it. But after 3 days I thought she would take her penecillin on time. However, I am glad she has backed off the pain meds so we can flush them. Hate those things, especially when one of my kids has to take them. Glad she really dislikes pills.
So much to tell, but the pills That I take are starting to kick my butt tonight! Good night all more tomorrow.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Scans completed, failed....
To all of my loved ones, please know that right now other than some pain in my legs and new tenderness in my skull, I feel fine. But I got the news yesterday that my chemotherapy is no longer working. So, I will see my doctor on Tuesday morning and we will talk about a new course of treatment for me. This is not unusual, we usually go thru this crap about every 6 months. Sometimes I get lucky and the meds last a year or so.
I know that there are some of you that are worried but for some reason I am ok. Truly. Not a tear dropped yesterday. I knew it was going to be bad, I can barely walk up my steps these days and the kids have to carry everything for me because I am too weak. I am bald, oh yeah, that's not news, but it does mean you can pick me out of a crowd.
I am asking that you say some extra prayers on my behalf. The kids do not know yet, once again it is Nick's birthday and I just cannot tell them until we are finished celebrating, so if you see them, please do not discuss it with them. They do not read my blogs, they say "I live it, why read it?" and they are right. And I still do not have any ideas for his birthday gift, he doesn't want a party. If you have any ideas please give me a shout.
Yesterday, I sent out a text to tell my nearest friends and relatives the general news, but once again I have no details so calling everyone and talking about it would have just upset me and them, and there really is nothing new to tell. I have cancer, We slowed it down for a bit but now it is raging again. Wish they had a pill for that.
My heart is a little sad though, I was watching Mara write on her new color explosion thing last night and I told her that I loved her, and she said, "I know mom, I love you too" very nonchalantly, so I took her little face in my hands and I said "no Mara, I really love you, not just words, really from my heart, not my mouth, I LOVE YOU". I think people say it so much these days, that it has lost meaning. When they hang up the phone or kiss their kids good night, they do love that person and their child but "I LOVE YOU" has become a phrase. I needed her to know that it is not just a phrase for me, ever.
I tell my kids and husband and my mother that I love them...always. But would it mean more if I only said it occasionally? Ok, any way onto another subject....
Do I try and get my book written? There is a whole lot on my bucket list. I want to take a trip with my husband to Greece, and I would love to take the kids to Disney world at some point. Bradley, my oldest, thinks it would be a smash hit! But I know that sometimes people write for years and never get published. I am not famous or a former president so it's not like someone is gonna pick up my story and run with it just because I have the right name. I have a more interesting story than most of them, and if my children would get a nice vacation and maybe help pay for a college education then I guess I should try right?
I cannot just sit and write everyday though. Even though I don't work a full time job, I get disgusted with life and sometimes just don't want to do anything. And, honestly, my book could hurt people that I love. I may not like them right now, but I do love them. All of it would be factual from my point of view, but what good is that? There are enough people pissed at me right now and I don't even know why. I don't think they know why. The simplist comments I make anymore are turned into an arguement. If people would just stop saying "you shouldn't feel that way" really guys? That is how I feel and I don't like it anymore than you do, but I cannot help it.
Personally, I think some of them are just jumping on the "let's dislike Lisa" bandwagon. Really, though, it hasn't changed my life much. My life has never been easy. And for the last 8 years it's pretty much been very challenging. I have to say, I do not cry nearly as much having stage 4 cancer, as I did when I was married to an alcoholic. Funny huh?
Speaking of that, the ex is having a party for Nick's birthday today, but he has to share it with his father and two other small children. That stinks for a 13 year old. Maybe a surprise party? I will figure it out...
Gonna make it short today, I will update everyone when I get updated...I hope you have a beautiful day, it is supposed to be nice out today, and all weekend. May the good Lord bless us all and please say your prayers and hug your loved ones.
I know that there are some of you that are worried but for some reason I am ok. Truly. Not a tear dropped yesterday. I knew it was going to be bad, I can barely walk up my steps these days and the kids have to carry everything for me because I am too weak. I am bald, oh yeah, that's not news, but it does mean you can pick me out of a crowd.
I am asking that you say some extra prayers on my behalf. The kids do not know yet, once again it is Nick's birthday and I just cannot tell them until we are finished celebrating, so if you see them, please do not discuss it with them. They do not read my blogs, they say "I live it, why read it?" and they are right. And I still do not have any ideas for his birthday gift, he doesn't want a party. If you have any ideas please give me a shout.
Yesterday, I sent out a text to tell my nearest friends and relatives the general news, but once again I have no details so calling everyone and talking about it would have just upset me and them, and there really is nothing new to tell. I have cancer, We slowed it down for a bit but now it is raging again. Wish they had a pill for that.
My heart is a little sad though, I was watching Mara write on her new color explosion thing last night and I told her that I loved her, and she said, "I know mom, I love you too" very nonchalantly, so I took her little face in my hands and I said "no Mara, I really love you, not just words, really from my heart, not my mouth, I LOVE YOU". I think people say it so much these days, that it has lost meaning. When they hang up the phone or kiss their kids good night, they do love that person and their child but "I LOVE YOU" has become a phrase. I needed her to know that it is not just a phrase for me, ever.
I tell my kids and husband and my mother that I love them...always. But would it mean more if I only said it occasionally? Ok, any way onto another subject....
Do I try and get my book written? There is a whole lot on my bucket list. I want to take a trip with my husband to Greece, and I would love to take the kids to Disney world at some point. Bradley, my oldest, thinks it would be a smash hit! But I know that sometimes people write for years and never get published. I am not famous or a former president so it's not like someone is gonna pick up my story and run with it just because I have the right name. I have a more interesting story than most of them, and if my children would get a nice vacation and maybe help pay for a college education then I guess I should try right?
I cannot just sit and write everyday though. Even though I don't work a full time job, I get disgusted with life and sometimes just don't want to do anything. And, honestly, my book could hurt people that I love. I may not like them right now, but I do love them. All of it would be factual from my point of view, but what good is that? There are enough people pissed at me right now and I don't even know why. I don't think they know why. The simplist comments I make anymore are turned into an arguement. If people would just stop saying "you shouldn't feel that way" really guys? That is how I feel and I don't like it anymore than you do, but I cannot help it.
Personally, I think some of them are just jumping on the "let's dislike Lisa" bandwagon. Really, though, it hasn't changed my life much. My life has never been easy. And for the last 8 years it's pretty much been very challenging. I have to say, I do not cry nearly as much having stage 4 cancer, as I did when I was married to an alcoholic. Funny huh?
Speaking of that, the ex is having a party for Nick's birthday today, but he has to share it with his father and two other small children. That stinks for a 13 year old. Maybe a surprise party? I will figure it out...
Gonna make it short today, I will update everyone when I get updated...I hope you have a beautiful day, it is supposed to be nice out today, and all weekend. May the good Lord bless us all and please say your prayers and hug your loved ones.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Eventually
At some point the first 6 chemo treatments ended. I came through it, and looking back, cannot believe I made it, but with the help of my family and friends I managed. So, back to the doctor, the oncologist to find out what was next.
Two weeks after my last chemo treatment, Dr. Chuu put me on Tamoxifen, a chemo drug that you take daily like a vitamin. Side effects I am sure but none that I noticed. When he told me about the tamoxifen I asked him what it did and he basically told me that it pretty much shut down the estrogen in my body. Mary and I were confused, so I asked him if I was going to grow a mustache or beard being on this drug? He laughed at me, thinking I was kidding.....Mary assured him that I was not. So he reassured me that I was not about to grow anything, including a penis by taking this drug.
Right after the chemo was finished, the dealership that I worked for had a huge breast cancer benefit for an agency called YSC (I think) but it doesn't really matter now anyway. When it was all said and done, we had a wonderful time and we donated $15,000 to the YSC. In my opinion at the time it was the best thing to do with the money. My goal was to help young women with breast cancer. To let women know they didn't have to be 40 years old before they could get cancer. I never heard from them again after they took the money. The complaint I have with them is that I called them a few years later and I needed to speak to someone about my children's future, whether or not they could help me get some information and after we had donated $15,000 they never even bothered to return my calls. Makes you wonder doesn't it? They are supposed to be helping women like me, right? Where were they when I needed them? I had a question. Could they even point me in the right direction? And then I found out that a non profit organization, hired a woman and paid her a salary to run the organization and she not only never had a history of breast cancer, but didn't even know anyone who had ever had it! How was she going to help women who needed compassion and understanding. I should have done more research before handing over that money. Not that it was a lot in their eyes but it was in mine.
So, I had come through all of this surgery and chemo in one piece. I was not finished though, still had a month of radiation. You might think this is a little funny, I did, my radiologist's name was Dr. Shocker. Can you believe it? Very nice man and a few weeks into the radiation, I started to grow my hair back. Dark and curly....very curly. It was beautiful, I had come through it and came through it with flying colors! What an adventure, not a fun one, but an adventure none the less. I had made it!
Now we were talking about buying a house in Nicktown. Jim's old house in Nicktown. My family would be 45 minutes away. The boys would go to Northern Cambria and dear Lord, help me, he and his ex-wife had lived there together for the last 8 or 9 years. We had a huge fight over it and I had not even seen it yet. It's not easy to live in a house that the ex lived in. Especially when there are small children reminding you of it all of the time. "when my mom lived here." Well, I got a good look at how things were when their "mom lived here." And it was not good. I never saw the inside until after the papers were signed. The bank sold me the house and the five acres it sits on. It was a lot of money in my opinion and I was scared because Jim and I were in love but not married. The house has and in-ground pool, basketball court, 4 bedrooms a laundry room. It sounds wonderful,doesn't it? Let me let you in on a little secret, the house is brick, it sits back in the woods on five acres and it looked perfect in the snow from the outside, while sitting in the truck. I wanted to raise my kids here. The secrets and bad things even with people are ALWAYS on the inside. A lot of things look pretty from the outside and are rotting on the inside.....this house was one of those things.
My first experience in this house will end this blog because it makes me sick to even think about it. So, the floor was covered in so much garbage that I made Jim just rip it up off of the floor, I was afraid to walk on it, even with shoes on. I then walked upstairs to find live animals living in one of the bedrooms, baby bunnies to be exact. The cielings were on the floor because the last person that lived here, Jim or her, walked out and didn't winterize the house. No heat or water because all of the pipes blew and that was the reason all of the cielings fell. The kitchen had carpeting, and nothing worked, not the fridge(which I wasn't gonna open)the oven or the stove. OK, 2 burners worked. Everything in the house was paneling...all of the walls had been colored on. ALL of them. There weren't just animals living here there were small children left to live like animals. I am not over exaggerating. That show "hoarding" made this place look good. We rented a dumpster and started to clean. Well Jim did because I could not do it, I was afraid of getting into something that might make me very ill. I was still doing radiation when we moved here. It was getting to be the end of the summer and still no heat or water. The heat and water got put in just in time for winter. Still no cielings and the living room was not livable. Our first winter here was awful but we were in a big house we could only use half of of it, so we were close. ALL 7 of us. Oh yeah, we have a pond that is slowly turning into a swamp too....
More later.
Two weeks after my last chemo treatment, Dr. Chuu put me on Tamoxifen, a chemo drug that you take daily like a vitamin. Side effects I am sure but none that I noticed. When he told me about the tamoxifen I asked him what it did and he basically told me that it pretty much shut down the estrogen in my body. Mary and I were confused, so I asked him if I was going to grow a mustache or beard being on this drug? He laughed at me, thinking I was kidding.....Mary assured him that I was not. So he reassured me that I was not about to grow anything, including a penis by taking this drug.
Right after the chemo was finished, the dealership that I worked for had a huge breast cancer benefit for an agency called YSC (I think) but it doesn't really matter now anyway. When it was all said and done, we had a wonderful time and we donated $15,000 to the YSC. In my opinion at the time it was the best thing to do with the money. My goal was to help young women with breast cancer. To let women know they didn't have to be 40 years old before they could get cancer. I never heard from them again after they took the money. The complaint I have with them is that I called them a few years later and I needed to speak to someone about my children's future, whether or not they could help me get some information and after we had donated $15,000 they never even bothered to return my calls. Makes you wonder doesn't it? They are supposed to be helping women like me, right? Where were they when I needed them? I had a question. Could they even point me in the right direction? And then I found out that a non profit organization, hired a woman and paid her a salary to run the organization and she not only never had a history of breast cancer, but didn't even know anyone who had ever had it! How was she going to help women who needed compassion and understanding. I should have done more research before handing over that money. Not that it was a lot in their eyes but it was in mine.
So, I had come through all of this surgery and chemo in one piece. I was not finished though, still had a month of radiation. You might think this is a little funny, I did, my radiologist's name was Dr. Shocker. Can you believe it? Very nice man and a few weeks into the radiation, I started to grow my hair back. Dark and curly....very curly. It was beautiful, I had come through it and came through it with flying colors! What an adventure, not a fun one, but an adventure none the less. I had made it!
Now we were talking about buying a house in Nicktown. Jim's old house in Nicktown. My family would be 45 minutes away. The boys would go to Northern Cambria and dear Lord, help me, he and his ex-wife had lived there together for the last 8 or 9 years. We had a huge fight over it and I had not even seen it yet. It's not easy to live in a house that the ex lived in. Especially when there are small children reminding you of it all of the time. "when my mom lived here." Well, I got a good look at how things were when their "mom lived here." And it was not good. I never saw the inside until after the papers were signed. The bank sold me the house and the five acres it sits on. It was a lot of money in my opinion and I was scared because Jim and I were in love but not married. The house has and in-ground pool, basketball court, 4 bedrooms a laundry room. It sounds wonderful,doesn't it? Let me let you in on a little secret, the house is brick, it sits back in the woods on five acres and it looked perfect in the snow from the outside, while sitting in the truck. I wanted to raise my kids here. The secrets and bad things even with people are ALWAYS on the inside. A lot of things look pretty from the outside and are rotting on the inside.....this house was one of those things.
My first experience in this house will end this blog because it makes me sick to even think about it. So, the floor was covered in so much garbage that I made Jim just rip it up off of the floor, I was afraid to walk on it, even with shoes on. I then walked upstairs to find live animals living in one of the bedrooms, baby bunnies to be exact. The cielings were on the floor because the last person that lived here, Jim or her, walked out and didn't winterize the house. No heat or water because all of the pipes blew and that was the reason all of the cielings fell. The kitchen had carpeting, and nothing worked, not the fridge(which I wasn't gonna open)the oven or the stove. OK, 2 burners worked. Everything in the house was paneling...all of the walls had been colored on. ALL of them. There weren't just animals living here there were small children left to live like animals. I am not over exaggerating. That show "hoarding" made this place look good. We rented a dumpster and started to clean. Well Jim did because I could not do it, I was afraid of getting into something that might make me very ill. I was still doing radiation when we moved here. It was getting to be the end of the summer and still no heat or water. The heat and water got put in just in time for winter. Still no cielings and the living room was not livable. Our first winter here was awful but we were in a big house we could only use half of of it, so we were close. ALL 7 of us. Oh yeah, we have a pond that is slowly turning into a swamp too....
More later.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)