Scans completed, failed....

To all of my loved ones, please know that right now other than some pain in my legs and new tenderness in my skull, I feel fine.  But I got the news yesterday that my chemotherapy is no longer working.  So, I will see my doctor on Tuesday morning and we will talk about a new course of treatment for me.  This is not unusual, we usually go thru this crap about every 6 months.  Sometimes I get lucky and the meds last a year or so.

I know that there are some of you that are worried but for some reason I am ok.  Truly.  Not a tear dropped yesterday.  I knew it was going to be bad, I can barely walk up my steps these days and the kids have to carry everything for me because I am too weak.  I am bald, oh yeah, that's not news, but it does mean you can pick me out of a crowd. 

I am asking that you say some extra prayers on my behalf.  The kids do not know yet, once again it is Nick's birthday and I just cannot tell them until we are finished celebrating, so if you see them, please do not discuss it with them.  They do not read my blogs, they say "I live it, why read it?" and they are right.  And I still do not have any ideas for his birthday gift, he doesn't want a party.  If you have any ideas please give me a shout. 

Yesterday, I sent out a text to tell my nearest friends and relatives the general news, but once again I have no details so calling everyone and talking about it would have just upset me and them, and there really is nothing new to tell.  I have cancer,  We slowed it down for a bit but now it is raging again.  Wish they had a pill for that.

My heart is a little sad though, I was watching Mara write on her new color explosion thing last night and I told her that I loved her, and she said, "I know mom, I love you too" very nonchalantly, so I took her little face in my hands and I said "no Mara, I really love you, not just words, really from my heart, not my mouth, I LOVE YOU".  I think people say it so much these days, that it has lost meaning.  When they hang up the phone or kiss their kids good night, they do love that person and their child but "I LOVE YOU" has become a phrase.  I needed her to know that it is not just a phrase for me, ever.

I tell my kids and husband and my mother that I love them...always.  But would it mean more if I only said it occasionally?  Ok, any way onto another subject....

Do I try and get my book written?  There is a whole lot on my bucket list.  I want to take a trip with my husband to Greece, and I would love to take the kids to Disney world at some point.  Bradley, my oldest, thinks it would be a smash hit!  But I know that sometimes people write for years and never get published.  I am not famous or a former president so it's not like someone is gonna pick up my  story and run with it just because I have the right name.  I have a more interesting story than most of them, and if my children would get a nice vacation and maybe help pay for a college education then I guess I should try right? 

I cannot just sit and write everyday though.  Even though I don't work a full time job, I get disgusted with life and sometimes just don't want to do anything.  And, honestly, my book could hurt people that I love.  I may not like them right now, but I do love them.  All of it would be factual from my point of view, but what good is that?  There are enough people pissed at me right now and I don't even know why.  I don't think they know why.  The simplist comments I make anymore are turned into an arguement.  If people would just stop saying "you shouldn't feel that way"  really guys?  That is how I feel and I don't like it anymore than you do, but I cannot help it. 

Personally, I think some of them are just jumping on the "let's dislike Lisa" bandwagon.  Really, though, it hasn't changed my life much.  My life has never been easy.  And for the last 8 years it's pretty much been very challenging.  I have to say, I do not cry nearly as much having stage 4 cancer, as I did when I was married to an alcoholic.  Funny huh? 

Speaking of that, the ex is having a party for Nick's birthday today, but he has to share it with his father and two other small children.  That stinks for a 13 year old.  Maybe a surprise party?  I will figure it out...

Gonna make it short today, I will update everyone when I get updated...I hope you have a beautiful day, it is supposed to be nice out today, and all weekend.  May the good Lord bless us all and please say your prayers and hug your loved ones.