1st diagnosis

Today I had dinner with some of my extended family. You know, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My mother and father were there and so was one of my sisters and her family. We all got together at my uncle's request because my Great Aunt Mary was home. I don't recall seeing her since my Grandmother passed. Something I cannot speak about as of yet.
Not sure how many of them are upset with me over this blog, but no-one can accuse me of slander. This is MY story, how I feel and how I see it. Let me tell you first about my first diagnosis, I am sure you will begin to understand how I became so "hostile" as some have put it lately.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 32. In the middle of a divorce, and raising 2 young men as a single mother basically since the day they were born. My ex-husband used to work away, by away I mean Egypt, and Saudi Arabia, not Arkansas. The money was great but it changed us. When the time came for him to come home, there were just no way things were going to work. That is a story in itself.
Jim and I had been dating for about four months and on the day I found the lump in my breast, the kids were getting ready to go with their dad and I was getting ready to go ut for the evening. It was around 4 P.M. and I was taking a bath, I remember what time it was because it was almost time for my mom to get off work and I could not call the doctors office because when my mom confirmed I was right, there definately was a lump, the office was already closed. Back to the lump. It was the size of a quarter, directly behind my left aeriola. What the hell?
Jim hadn't felt that? Seriously? I know this probably sounds a little TMI, but I am going to tell this story right. Jim and I had only been together for a short period of time so things were still very exciting and erotic and happening a few times a day. If that lump had been there, he would have noticed! I was not nuts! I asked my mother, the woman who had seen me through some nasty stuff, to feel for the lump. She felt it too. And even though she told me not to panic, she had that panic struck look on her face. I had been at the gynecologist for my yearly exam just 6 weeks before. The doctor should have felt it during his exam. I should have felt it before this.
There was nothing we could do at that point accept wait for the next day. So, that's what we did. I called the doctors office the next morning. They saw me right away and confirmed that the lump was there. Ran a sonogram and confirmed that there was blood flow to the tumor, yes, tumor. Now was it going to be malignant or benign? It was Christmas. Yep! Merry F'n Christmas. So, now I got to wait until January the 2nd to have the lumpectomy done. No-one was willing to chance a needle biopsy, I think they were all pretty sure I had cancer. Stick a tumor that size and it could spread. Right?
On January 2nd, Jim and my Mom, whom I am never without for a surgery, took me to the hospital, there was a small incision right around the edge of my left aeriola. I had to keep ice on it the rest of the day in some weird bra contraption. And I had to wait. And wait, and wait. I waited 6 whole days. I called every day. No-one had any answers.
On January the 8th, Nicholas's 5th birthday, I recieved a phone call at work, from the general surgeon's office asking me to come there immediately. So I asked the secretary, "It's cancer, isn't it?" and she confirmed my worst fears. My mother came to pick me up, not that she was in any better shape than I was, but she wanted to drive me and find out what we had to do next. I remember very little from that afternoon. Just that I was scheduled to have a radical mastectomy on January 23rd of 2004. I remember the date because it was my dad's birthday.
My family had to be told. My children had to be told. Jim had to be told, and he had to go! He was everything I had ever dreamed of, but I could not expect him to live this nightmare after only 4 months of dating. My children. My boys. Ages 6 and now 5 respectively. My mother, my grandmother and my sisters. My sisters, what if they had it? What kind of risk were they and my mother at? What about my Aunts.
My family was very close. I was close with almost all of my family. You see, my mother had given birth to me at a very young age, very young, and I was close with my aunts and uncles on her side of the family, at times in my life, they were more like brothers and sisters, the younger ones especially. Audrey and Alan, and Gerald. Gerald is only 4 years older than me. And my grandmother, she walked on water. To this day, I do not know how my parents did it. I don't know how they have made it this far. I have tremendous respect for their marriage. 40 years after the fact they are still together.
My grandmother's reaction that first time, I do not remember. My mother was devastated. I do however, remember Gerald taking the cigarettes out of his pocket and throwing them in the garbage can next to him. I do remember the constant "I am going to die." phrase going through my head. Who was going to take care of my babies? Surgery, chemo, radiation.....it all seemed like soooo much.
The following week I went back to work. One of the women that I worked with at that time told me that she had a niece that worked at Cleveland clinic for a breast cancer specialist. She asked if I would like to see this specialist. I jumped at the chance and she made the call. Before the surgery I had an appointment for a second opinion with a specialist! My co-workers at the time were incredible. when I saw this doctor, he informed me that I didn't have to have both my breasts removed, for that matter, I didn't have to have either breast removed.
Jim had driven me to Cleveland and I was elated to find out that I could stay in one piece! I agreed to have the surgery there on the 24th of Jan. In the meantime Jim and I were trying to figure out where our relationship was going, if anywhere. He refused to call it quits. But I had to concentrate on Bradley and Nicholas, they were my priority, along with getting healthy again.
Gonna try to post this, no phone available again....but Jim has wi-fi on his cell....more tomorrow guys!