Tonight, Danny, Bobbi's husband, told me that he reads my blogs. I was kind of on the edge as to whether or not to continue since today I shut down my facebook page. You see, I would have never, in a million years thought that Danny, who is a busy father, husband and fireman, would take time to read my silly blogs. He made up my mind and made me feel good about what I do. So, thanks Danny! If something I write can hit home where you are concerned then I must be doing something right.
Writing anything and I mean anything on facebook can cause an altrication if it is taken in the wrong context. I have been hurt by things and recently found out that I have unintentionally hurt others. It doesn't matter how nice you are. It's a problem.
I started this blog to get the hurt and anger out and to try and make other people understand as much about what a patient goes through as possible. My story is a little different than most, I hope that helps.
Tonight I want to tell you about my grandmother, Mom. Not my mother, she is Mommy to me. And Mom, she was so huge in my life that I was totally in awe of her, right up until the day she passed away. When I was sick, she would help take care of me. She would cook my favorite foods to make me eat, knowing I couldn't completely turn it down. Mom would make liver and onions (which I love) when my counts were down, just incase it might help bring them up. I can get anemic really easily when I am on chemo, Mom loved me thru it and I miss her. She was the kind of woman I wanted to be. I don't even come close to measuring up. I think when you figure it out, my parents made her a grandmother at 34 yrs old. Mom changed Easter weekend and Mother's Day so that we could all celebrate together when I felt good. When Mom died, my world crashed. I wasn't sure where I belonged but I got put in my place pretty damn quick. Even though I was basically raised by her and my mother both during my early childhood, it was made very clear that I was to step back and not have anything to say after she passed. I was a grandchild and I was to stay a grandchild and shut my mouth. Well, that was ok, really. But I loved her and still do and I had just as much right to grieve her passing as everyone else had.
Here is how we saw each other....we were driving to Altoona one day to go shopping and I was carrying Nicholas and Bradley was about a year old. I was very upset and asked her how I was ever going to love this new baby as much as I loved Bradley? How was I going to make room in my heart for this child that was due in 2 months? And her response was "I had 8 children before you came,Lisa and I love you just as much as I love all of them, your heart doesn't make room, it gets bigger." And she was right, I love all of my kids just the same as if they were the first.
Telling Mom I had cancer was hard. Seeing the hurt in her eyes when she looked at me, very hard. My mother justifies all of it in her mind with the idea that "everybody dies." And my mother is right. I am no huge exception to the rule, we are all going to die....the hard part isn't dying. hell, some days I wish we could get it over with already. The hard part is the suffering. The pain The hard part is when people look at me and they know. The hard part is chemo and being sick just so I can have one extra week or month.
Want to know what is hard? knowing that people can look at me, know I have cancer and they light a cigarrette. This could be you! You are asking for this? I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on my worst enemy! I totally understand that quitting cigarettes would be next to impossible. Next to it! Surviving what I got, IMPOSSIBLE. You may be able to drag it out a while but eventually it's going to get you! Mommy just said the other day that she's gotta die from something! Mommy this is not it. And what if you are needed to help raise my kids? And you get lung cancer? What is that going to do to my poor kids? Does anyone think about their future when they pick up that first pack? I don't even spend money on the lottery much less $5 on a pack of cigarettes? That is a vacation after a year, isn't it?
Going now, want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and thank you Danny again.
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