Control

Here is tonight's blog sorry about last night, no phone service.  This is from one of my previous journal entries.

OK, so let me tell you how very controlling I can be, and I just recently realized it. Until the last few months I pretty much believed that I was dying. So did my husband, and I’m not sure who else. But I was so positive that I did not make plans for the future with the exception of where my body would be viewed, whether I would be buried or creamated, and if I was buried where would that be? Who did I want at the viewing? Who did I not want at the viewing? I have thought about every single detail, and I had pretty much planned out my funeral arrangements right down to the color of the flowers. What I had not planned was what I was going to do with my life. Yes, I cherished every moment. But who the hell cares what color the flowers are or who is there? I will be dead. My concern was being like a fly on the wall and not being happy with the arrangements that someone else made, and that may be true but it isn’t like I’m going to be able to tell them anyway.
This huge revolation came to me whenever my husband started speaking about his retirement and how he was going to move away, out of Pa. whenever he retires and he did not include me in his plans. There was not a "we" in his comments. And it pissed me right off. Not because of what he said but because I have been doing the same thing for years. I planned everything around my death and nothing around my life. Yes, I have stage 4 cancer. Yes, I have very young children and there are times when things are very grim looking, but damnit I have made it this far! Why can’t I be here another 6 or 7 years and see my sons graduate and go to college? Why not 12 years and watch my daughter do the same thing? I hold my children to a very high standard, why shouldn’t I be here to share in the pride of watching them go off to MIT or YALE? I deserve that just as much as any other mother. I fight for my life every single day. There are moments, not days, but moments, when I forget that I am a cancer patient. Thanks to the people in my life.
My friends do not think of me as ill. My children do not think of me as ill. The only people who think of me as ill are the people who on a rare occasion have to take care of me. Dr. Sbietan has not given up on me, and I am not about to give up on me. I am not about to give myself six months or a year to live. And if I don’t do it, then the only power who can is the Lord himself, and I think he has bigger plans for me than that.
IMy children know what I expect of them, and they know that I love them more than I have ever loved anything or will ever love anything or anyone. My parents know that I love them. My sisters know that I love them. My family and friends know that I love them. There are people in my life that I am not really fond of, they too, know this.
I do not pretend to like people I do not like. I do not pretend to like situations I do not like. I love whole heartedly when I love someone, I believe that is the only way to love someone or something and that is with all of your being.
When I had my breasts removed I lost a part of who I am. People may see this as vain and maybe it is, but I lost a part of my femininity. A part of being a woman. My wonderful, adoring husband doesn’t feel this way, but I do. Cleavage doesn’t seem like a big deal until you have none. Nipples don’t seem like a big deal until you have none. There is no feeling in my chest at all. I had my breasts removed because they were killing me and yet I was torn as to whether or not to do it because of how it would make me feel as a woman. That part of me is dead. Thrown away somewhere. Tossed aside as though it were not important, and looking at the bigger picture, it wasn’t important. They were just boobs. Right? No more important than arms or legs, ev en less important because I did not need them to function. Right? Why then, was it so terrifying, painful and heart-breaking? Because in this society, your body is who you are.
I make jokes about it constantly, it makes me feel better and puts other people at ease. It hurts though, whenever your husband wants to be with you and you just saw yourself naked getting out of the bathtub. You don’t understand how this man can possibly want you. How could any man ever really want you ever again? When I had my surgery my marriage was 4 months old and my daughter was less than 3 months old. I had nursed both of my sons. I had already done everything I could to stay alive and keep my breasts. Jim and I had begun to move on with a normal every day life. This was not fair to any of us, especially me. They were removing my breasts! If that wasn’t bad enough I had a new baby I would not be able to hold for a long time. She was heaven sent. She and her brothers would be the reason to do this. They were more important than breasts. Being here for them was more important.
So, that part of me was now dead. But hey, I got new, better ones. I went through many expansions, every other week. And whenever my skin could not stretch anymore I finally had silicone implants put in. Had I known then that I was going to gain 20 lbs. I would have had another 200 cc’s put in. My husband tells me constantly that I "had a $70,000 boob job done You should have gone bigger" and shows me the palm of his hand..(he’s kidding, he could care less). My husband has enormous hands. Seriously, he’s not normal. Most of who he is, is wonderful.
When they put my implants in they had to cover the left implant with muscle and skin from my back. My doctor was simply amazing, she made sure that the line she cut stayed under a brastrap as much as possible. It didn’t matter because the skin stretched and pulled apart anyway. Dr. DeLaCruz even went back in to try and fix it after that, there just wasn’t enough skin, so that is now an ugly scar too. More dead nerves. Most of the pain after my surgery came from the incision in my back.
Jim took care of me. After my intial surgery to have my breasts removed he took care of the drains that came from my side and back. He would bath me and wash my hair, and while I was in the hospital he would feed me when I could not lift my arms. And I sooooo did not want my new husband to see my chest without breasts, but when the doctor came in to check on the incisions he was standing at the foot of the bed with my mother, they had both spent the night, and his reaction was "no big deal’. I could not have loved him more. He didn’t walk out, he didn’t look shocked or disgusted, he just said "no big deal". And to him it wasn’t because I was alive, and at the time we thought this surgery would end the threat. The constant nagging threat that breast cancer had become. For the next 15 months we would feel relief. We were so very foolish.
So, back to the feeling of death. I have been through more forms of chemotherapy than any one person should ever go through. There are side effects of chemo that are kind of scary looking. Of course, as you know, I lost my hair, every single time. There are times when you lose feeling in your feet and hands. Then there is your fingernails turning a dark shade of nasty. With the meds I am on now, I get tremendously bad nose bleeds, that go on forever. Your nerves are shot, you get sick in the stomache, you get either constipated or have the runs. You can no longer stand the thought of coffee even though you love drinking it. You bruise everytime someone touches you and sex, who can find the energy for that. I have had trouble seeing because the chemo affects my eyesight. I am lucky at times if I can stand up on my own much less drive or get my kids to where ever they need to be. The plus to chemo….I am alive. Partially anyway.
Cancer kills part of who you are, no matter what type of cancer you have, it takes away some of who you are. Sometimes maybe that’s a good thing, it is quite a reality check. It can humble a person in seconds. It can also make a person resentful and mean. You have to in your head and heart decide how you are going to handle your diagnosis. Everyone dies. But does everyone truly live while they are here? Yes, you have the same realities in life that normal people have , but you have been given a gift of knowing that you are not invincible and you have been given the gift of not being able to say "someday" now, as a cancer patient you get to do it if you want to. And I mean anything.
Where there is a will there is a way. When I want something I immediately do it. There will always be dirty dishes, the laundry will always need done. These are necessary things but sometimes they can wait. A trip to Alaska cannot. A cruise to the Mediterranian cannot! My next trip is a vacation with all 5 kids and my husband to the beach at topsail island. We we will be joining Aunt Jo and Bobbi Jo and her 3 children. I am very excited! And for next year, I think 2 weeks at Disney would be nice. But we will drive to get there so maybe 10 days at Disney would be better. I love to travel! I will get to sit on the beaches in Greece with my husband, after my daughter is a little older, which will make my sons a little older. It may take some serious saving for that trip.
As you can see, I am now planning life, not death. It has taken me years to let go of what I cannot control. I cannot control what will happen once I am gone, but I can control what will happen while I am here, and I will be happy with who I am and what I have to do. My full time position is staying alive. The responsibilities that come along with that position are HUGE! And the hours are crazy. But the benefits are endless as long as you have your head on straight and know that the benefits are time with your children and husband, family, and of course, friends. If you are looking to create some kind of monetary benefit forget it, you cannot take it with you anyway. Be content with who you are as a human being.  Money will not solve my biggest problem.
Make many memories, death will eventually come and it will probably come very quickly when it does, so I refuse to waste my time thinking about something that is inevitable.

Thanks for reading;
Lisa