Today...

Today I am going to tell you all the truth about cancer and how one of my days starts and ends...and a whole lot of the middle.

I am a stage 4 breast cancer patient, most people don't understand what that means so let me explain to my knowledge.  The first time that I was told I had cancer it was stage 2.  Stage 2 means it left it's original site and found it's way to my lymphnodes.  Which means removal of all cancer in affected area and affected lymphnodes, In my case that meant removal of a tumor, the margins and even though only one lymphnode had been detected 21 were removed.  Then after Mara was born I was diagnosed again, detected in the same breast.  Not sure what stage I was, needed to know how to get rid of it, my life was again on the line, time to have my breasts removed.  That's a whole different blog.  5 years ago I won't get into details but I was diagnosed stage 4, Stage 4 means I am terminal.  There is no stage 5,6,or 7.  At the present moment, I have cancer in my bones, lungs and on my left adrenal gland, which apparently is more important than I ever thought.  Your adrenal gland sits on your kidney.
Ok, so I really wasn't given much time back then but I believe in a much higher power and I believe that I am still here for a reason.

So, anyway here is one of my days.  My alarm goes off @ 6 a.m.  by 6:05 I have been to everyone's room to wake them.  I slowly come downstairs and take a pain pill immediately but not my 12 hour one just my 4 hour one, my 12 hour one I take at 8 a.m. along with an anti-depressant, let's face it, I would have lost sight of this battle years ago w/o that.  After making my coffee I again go to Kate and Brad's rooms and try to wake them, now I start to get a little pissy because I do not want to climb those stairs again, because I cannot breath.  After feeding them something light before they head out at 6:50, I get to drink a cup of my coffee before the queen has to be awakened. 
Mara fights with me about everything from brushing her teeth to what socks she is going to put on and today she tried to wear knee highs over her pants.  She wants to be just like her big sister who is 15.  I am not all about that.  At 7:45 we head for the car to drive out the driveway because I cannot walk that far and I can't breath if I get cold air in my lungs.  We spend 20 minutes of quiet time together doing her spelling words and vocabulary every morning.  She and I make up sentences with the vocabulary words, that's her favorite part.  Then at 8:08 she gets on the bus.  I come back and have more coffee and watch Dr. Phil, after taking my 12 hour pain pill.

Today, however, I had breakfast with my friend Teresa instead of watching Phil, which was much nicer.  By 10 a.m. the pain starts again but it's not excrutiating, it can wait, and I do try to tolerate as much as possible because if I took pills everytime I hurt, I would never be able to function as a human being much less a wife and mother.  I takes me longer to grocery shop than most people, I usually have to have one of the kids along because I cannot bend over or lift anything heavy.  We purchase 50 lbs of dogfood at a clip and for anyone who has seen me lately 50 lbs would snap me in 2.

Which is another thing, I have been desperately trying to put weight on.  I had a bout with some nasty infections last year and lost 40 lbs when I could not eat.  Good thing I am too damn stupid to know I was on my death bed, because it almost got me last Valentine's day. 

So a few days a week I have appointments for blood work and chemo and by the time I do some laundry and started supper it's time for the kids to come home.  In the evening there is plenty of argueing and bickering and usually we have to be somewhere, football, hockey, or the latest, cheerleading.  I try to keep up with my friends as much as possible and I love them all but between their schedules and mine it's hard sometimes to even squeeze in lunch.

Summer is easier we see each other at games or what not...winter sucks!

Anyway by the end of the day I am in excruciating pain and it's time to say our prayers which Mara and I do together.  I am grinding my teeth as I pray for people who are much better off than we are but do not have any idea on what their lives could be.

I am bald, sick and in pain 24 hours of every single day...it sucks but I am here!  I should be a reminder to all women to do self breast exams.  Most times I do not wear wigs or hats, just a soft scarf or bandana.
Cannot hold my eyes open anymore...finish tomorrow....

Wow, last night is a blur.  Today, I get to have lunch w/my daughter @ school.  I have invited Kim and I know she won"t stand Mara up, so we get to do lunch together but it'll be with a bunch of first grade children...I have to shop for my kids yet for Christmas, that should have been done already but I will try to get a few things done tomorrow when I am out with Nikki.  Kim and Nikki, and last night I saw Corrin, these women are like sisters to me.  I may not see them all very much but they are very special and are a huge part of my life and the lives of my kids.   I am blessed to have a lot of friends like this. My friends are a constant in my life and I cherish them immensely because they have chosen to be a part of my world all on their own, even with all of the drama.

But I miss my sisters.  My blood sisters.  Well, I miss who they used to be.  Not too sure what has happened to us.  We all grew up and went separate directions, and we changed.  I will admit I am not the same person I used to be.  But will they?  I have 3 sisters, I will not say their names in here, it would be inappropriate to say anything negative and name them.  Just don't want anyone who loves and cares about me to judge them.  And you would, because we have a bond.  I pray my boys NEVER have a falling out like this.  Sad thing is we didn't have a falling out, we just stopped being a family.  I miss my nephews and my nieces. 

I didn't ask for this illness.  I am glad that it has given me angels to be my friends.  I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy, but sometimes I want to put the people who are SUPPOSED to care about me in my shoes.  Just for a day, or a few hours.  During the vomiting and the runs and messing my own clothes and bed, and then having to call my mom to come and help me clean it, because I cannot stand up.  Or my aunt Mary Ann who comes at the drop of a hat when called because I am too sick to die and Bradley has the flu.  So we are both vomiting.  Or Aunt Jo, who is Jim's, officially, but I have adopted her.  She is ALWAYS here when needed.  If I have to run to Conemaugh for fluids or to be admitted, she makes sure these kids are taken care of.  Even if she has to call someone else to cover for her when she has to go to work.  It's embarrassing to be me sometimes....I used to be strong, independant, and beautiful.  And as Jim put it a couple weeks ago, he "remembers when". 

Jim, not sure how he even looks at me sometimes.  He's here.  He tries. It depends on his mood.  Right now things are tough here.  Jim makes fabulous money when he's working, when he isn't we are at each other's throats.  Money, the root of all evil.  It's sad really.  It puts pressure on all of us and my situation does not handle stress well.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest lately.  I cannot breath.  Jim paces constantly.  In his business if it rains, they don't work.  We cannot count on the money or insurance.  It's a constant worry and yet we are better off than most.  We truly are.  We are managing.  Which is more than most people can do right now.

My kids think I should have my book published and we would be set, but they don't understand that to publish may cost me money.  I am snapping at everyone constantly.  Please dear God give me the grace to calm down and whatever happens....happens.  We have always been ok.

I don't know anyone who has an illness like this that doesn't have money issues.  It's the last thing anyone who is fighting an illness should worry about and yet it's the first and most difficult.  Co-pays for medicine and co-pays for doctor appointments even if you have insurance.....The welfare system is a disgusting mess.  Most, not all people on it, most have been doing it for generations.  Then there are people who work for their money and insurance and they (we) are the ones that suffer.  I wish I had cash assistance, and a free cell phone right now.
Oh well. Just bitchy today I guess, it'll get better, it always does....and by all means, please don't think I am asking for anything including anyone's pity.  I am venting.  I do that.  My arms ache now, so I will sign off for now, God bless you all.......................have a great day, mine will get better by lunch time!