Ok, so it's about time for everyone to settle in for the night and I have taken my meds which means I should probably not be blogging there is no holding back when I am wound this tight, waiting for the pills to kick in.
The pills consist of Pain, of course, nerve, and sleeping. Pain killers are never enough during the day especially since the new development of hip pain, yes the one I had replaced. My Mom is convinced it's a nerve and I think she's right because we have been down this road of x-rays and MRI's and so far it's pretty much in my imagination according to the tests I have had done. It is the same undeniable pain that I felt 5 years ago when we figured out that my cancer had come back with a vengence and was in my lungs and bones and had broken my hip. It had also covered, at the time my ovaries but basically the only pain I had was headaches (mets in my skull) and my broken hip that I was seeing a local chiropractor for. The chiropractor shall remain nameless because he worked on what was "slipped discs" for three weeks before realizing I did not need him I needed an oncologist. And I went to see my family doctor.
There is so much to tell about the last 8 years of my life, I do not want to overwhelm anyone. Right now I am dealing with a bit of family crap. I truly feel like the black sheep of the family. Years of resentment and lies have caught up to everyone. I am pretty sure, at least in my mind that I was expected to pass on, we shall call it, years ago and certain "loved ones" got tired of waiting and just cut me out of their lives.
I hope when you die, you get to be a fly on the wall and watch everyone and how they react to your demise. I want to see the show certain ones put on and if they truly are crying real tears instead of the big ol' crocodile ones, I will know it's from guilt. Ask me when the last time was that one of my family called me. I have lots. My mother is the only one, really, who hangs in there. My father calls when I am on my death bed from chemo. That is when he worries most.
Let's get back to the pain part. I can only feel the pain in my bones, it hurts. I manage with a smaller amount of pain meds during the day because I still have to function as a human being. I still get my kids up for school every day, drive them where they need to go, and cook their meals and do their laundry. I stay up with them when they are sick, I hold them when they are running a fever. To this day I still want my mom when I am sick so I don't want to take that from them before I have to. Pain is part of the process, but people live with it every single day. Most have brought it upon themselves. It is very hard for me to listen to someone complain about silly things. Legitimate pain, I can relate.
My biggest pet peeve, stupidity! If there were a cure for my illness I would do it. I want, more than anything to be the mother of the bride, to both my girls even though I will have to take a step back when it's Katy. Mara is only 6, so the system has to keep me around for at least another 20 years! Can they do it? Anyway, back to stupid. Can you hear a doctor say "cut back on the soda, cut out the pasta and chips and your chance of being a diabetic goes way down"...but not listen? Imagine this "lose 30 lbs and you will no longer have to take this or that medication". Ok, now....Cut off both of your breasts and you will be able to raise your 6 WEEK old daughter. OK, DONE. "sorry, 18months ago we were wrong, or we missed something, your death is immenent, there is cancer all through your body, you don't have much time, purchase a video camera, your daughter will never remember you".
After lots of tears, and family drama that I now do not understand. I prayed to my God, met my God sent doctors, and made promises to my babies. The most important one being that as long as there was something to fight with, I would fight. My kids are my life even though they take ALL the crap when I am having a bad day. Sometimes my husband takes it, but he's a strong man. Stronger than most. My mom I vent to at times, I used to vent to one of my sisters but she has recently shut me out of her world too. My cancer is my cross to bare not theirs and we all have our own lives and our own crosses. When my family feels that they have found me and fighting for a cure for my illness on their priority list, they will let me know.
In the mean time, writing makes me feel better and I have friends that are literally angels that hold me up on a daily basis. God bless you all, you know who you are. I am sure you will eventually be mentioned in here, my blog, can you believe it? I am finally getting my story out to the world. And the first thing I want to let people know is that you do not have to be 40 to get breast cancer, I was only 32. And there are plenty of women younger than me who have lost their lives to this illness.
I have spent years getting to know cancer, as I said in an earlier post, I adopted it a long time ago, couldn't get it to leave, it was an unwanted guest. It feels like that drunk at the bar that you can't get out so you can lock up and go home, but for me, that's 24/7. The pain is starting to slowly subside and I am slowling down on the keyboard, must be time to quit before I say something I shouldn't, I will pray for all of you, please do the same for me and my children.
And by the way, we live by the theory that hugs make you live longer, so get all the hugs you can get. And I am haing a very hard time with letting go of the past and being able to forgive, truly forgive, not just say I have forgiven, letting go of hurt and rage in my heart so please if someone can answer this question for me. "How do you forgive something that someone denies, and is not sorry for?" Forgiveness can't be given to someone who would do it all over again tomorrow, can it? I only have 2 cheeks.
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